Something(s).

I'm falling quickly into extreme sadness. It's... well, sad. I'm sitting here in the Union working, and there's a wedding going on in the auditorium. And I just heard them introduce "for the first time Mr. and Mrs. Whoever They Are." And everyone is clapping and yelling and being happy. And dancing. And I just watch it, and it's really happy, I mean REALLY, a wedding is hardly a SAD thing, but right now it's just making ME feel sad. Because it's one of those times you hear so loudly and see so clearly everyone enjoying their happiness, so much so that you can just FEEL it, in them and in yourself and everywhere around, that it hurts all the more to realize that you really don't have any of your own, at least recently.

No one. 8 p.m. Saturday night. All by myself. 30,000 students, and all by myself.

Things are pretty decent today. I like that work keeps me occupied most of the time, and it really goes by pretty fast, which is good. I am just trying to get all this work done: tomorrow I have classes from 9:30 until 2:15, then a lecture to go to for a newspaper story from 7:30-8:30, then after that I have to get the story written because it's due ASAP on Wednesday, AND there is a "launch party" for the new Radiohead CD in my dorm tomorrow night at 11:30 :). So THAT I am excited for. :)

Today I ate some jellybeans in the morning and a roll of mentos by the afternoon. And some rice krispy treat. I guess the reason I'm so HUGE right now is a no-brainer: when I was small I had to eat VERY little, if anything at all, to look like that- now I am clearly eating more and it's CLEARLY showing. And it sucks. Sometimes I wonder if I CAN go through LIFE like this- not that it's miserable, but I have to be SO concious. I wonder if other people have to be. I mean, I know I will never be "normal" around food- the idea of eating a cookie, or a slice of cake is just BEYOND me. I know it is for other people too- my sister won't eat cake- and a lot of people "pass" on dessert. Which is fine, but I feel like I look at it with more of a paranoia than other people. There's a lot I'd do BEFORE I'd dare eat a piece of chocolate cake without jumping off a bridge afterwards, and that's probably not so normal :/.

Whatever. I am thinking more and more about this cognitive science major. What a great thing to major in. It's basically the study of the human mind, but more than that: about consciousness, language aquisition and memory, the essence of what it means to be human versus machine, all these different abstract (as well as very empirical) concepts that I like a lot. Moreso than psych. But whatever. I have to go now, I'm flustered, I'm hungry but don't feel like eating, I'm confused about stuff. I did buy a GREAT bag today :), which made me happy, but it was $60 :/. Not so great, but I DO love it a lot so, all in all, a fine day.

FUCKER. I just wrote a bazillion-sentence long entry that was moderately profound and then lost the wireless signal and lost it all.

Just so everyone knows.

So things are ok. My weight is higher than ever which makes me pretty down most of the time. But I don't know. My new job is pretty nice; it's quiet, I don't really have to do much at all so $6 an hour is a pretty good rate. One of my bosses was a philosophy major in school and I like him A LOT. He's a great listener, a pretty shy quiet quy, but he really does listen when you talk, in a way that not a lot of people do; like he's always engaged in the conversation, even when it's trivial. He knows a lot, and I like that he's reserved, unlike my other boss who's nice but loves to hear himself talk :/. It's pretty terrible, actually, the extent to which he goes on.

So that's good- work. As far as what's going on in my academic life, it just keeps getting weirder and weirder. Something something SOMETHING is ALWAYS telling me to stay in journalism, everytime I consider other options. Something always points me back there, which is good and bad. I also went into the psychology building the other day for an experiment, and the post doc I talked to was like, "oh yeah, I studied English Literature in undergrad, went to grad school for linguistics, and now I am doing research." So that was actually encouraging, to know that she could not be sure in undergrad and still have such an intense opportunity after college. And when I talk to my boss, Bob, the one I really like, he says "something tells me you should stay with journalism." It's tough, because there are a number of things about it that upset me. One is that the state of journalism is horrendous today. It's sad and discouraging to think that the people who want to pursue the most important kinds of stories, the stories that matter most, have the smallest platform, whereas the people who "practice journalism" on the nightly news are not very often saying little of any importance. It is INCREDIBLE how much we can possibly hear about Michael Vick and Britney Spears. It REALLY narrows down peoples' scope of LIFE, and it kills me. And I've never been one for sticking it to the Man, because I haven't ever had much luck being successfully subversive.

So I don't know, we're still thinking about that one I guess. As it stands, this very minute, I will double major in Journalism and Comparative Literature and get a certificate in History and Philosophy of Science. I think.

Although I'm not sure where my grades stand at this particular point in time. I missed French class BOTH days this week :(. I have been sleeping poorly, and thus have been sleeping through classes. Which I cannot afford. I have already used ALL my excused absences in French for the whole semester!! Which is terribly stupid. And I missed Travel Literature today because I slept through that too, AND we had a poem due today, which I will obviously not be getting points for. So I should probably get my act together on that front. AND, what's weirder, is that last night I had a dream with HIM in it. I dreamed that I saw him, and I could PHYSICALLY FEEL myself touching his hair, like my hand, as I slept, had the sensation like it was happening, right then and there like I used to when I laid next to him in bed, and I felt SO good, so warm that I didn't even get up. I just laid in that moment, and 'just a moment' it was, because it was a THOUGHT, it wasn't even real. And now I am listening to music that reminds me of him, reminds me of better feelings, and I just get SAD to the point where my stomach DROPS, and it hurts, REALLY badly. Jesus, how can you miss something you never even really had? I don't know, but it feels awful. It hurts so badly.

There's a movie showing at 11 for free at the Union that I might go see, which is pretty lame, to go see a movie by yourself, but that's how I do most things these days. I am quickly realizing that part of the reason for my confusion about where my life is going/what I am doing with it is coming from the fact that I am in an entirely stale state of mind, probably very unhealthy, and certainly not looking from the right frame of reference for healthy, planned, rational decision-making. But even in the right frame of mind these decisions are difficult for me, these choices of 'what do I want' and 'what do I love' and 'where am I going.' I have come up with numerous directions in which to go, numerous paths down which to move, numerous combinations of academic endeavours that would enable me in ANY way to have a successful future. I am sure I am LACKING in too many areas right now- not JUST school, by ANY means- and this is enabling both my decision making processes as well as my sanity. Nice.

Anyway, mom's care package today had the book I wanted in it, "How Proust Can Change Your Life" by this author we are reading in one of my Literature classes. Comparative Literature is my only real niche right now- it's the only class I go to where teachers treat me special, the only class I love, the only class I feel confident in properly investing my time and effort into- and yet I am considering some kind of scientific career, which one exactly I am not precisely sure yet. But anyway, hopefully I can read it and take my mind off of whatever it is my mind is on. Doubtful.

I'm just all out of answers. It's tough, when you don't have a social niche, you look for one in, maybe, school, or classes, or ANYTHING else. And since I do NOT in fact have a social niche (ie I have no friends) I am desperately trying to put my major in place. I can see that this is what's happening. Meh. But anyway, so mom sent a $100 Starbucks gift card, which was so generous I nearly fainted. And some loungy pants and a sweater zip up thing. And I heard from Kevin, which is weird/good. But I still miss, this summer, and him, and I think about that sometimes, how you want to find someone who you are best FRIENDS with, AND who you love, and who you trust and who you just long to be around, who makes you GLOW, who makes you smile and your stomach drop. And most importantly, you want to KEEP them.

So it turns out I got the job at the library. And it's work study, which is good- that means the money goes to my tuition if I so chose, which I certainly did. The only problem is that I gave up my only free day- Friday- for an 8 AM start time :/. Which sucks. But then again, it will be a good way to assure that I don't waste the day. Not that I ever do- I have so far dedicated all of my Friday's to studying/reading/homeworking, because I have nothing else to do. Although now I will be working 8-12, and going to Committee on Multicultural Understanding meetings from 1-3:30, so that actually gives me a pretty full day.

When I am not physically attending class, work, schoolwork, or club meetings, (and usually even when I AM), my every waking moment is spent thinking about whether I want to be, more-or-less, a writer or a scientist. I think my brain might actually be decaying. Or something. It's definitely overthinking and it's not getting ANYWHERE but nowhere. I just do not not NOT know. What if I chose wrong? What if I get out of here with a journalism degree and decide, "huh, I wish I was working with the brain, I wish I was working on cognitive models, I wish I was at a university teaching and doing research. But I'm not, I'm freelance writing or working for some PR firm, doing superficial work that's not contributing much at all to society at a job that only required 4 years of school to obtain because that's all the brains it takes- not much." But what if I major in, say psychology with a certificate in cognitive psych and then I say, "man, I miss writing, I miss living the life of a journalist, where I can move around and learn new things all the time and dive into different worlds, interview different people, discover SO much about the world and the people in it and expose others to it all. But instead I am stuck in this lab, at this university, and in a tiny cramped office dedicated entirely to my research and live a life completely void of anything even mildly attractive or artistically stimulating." JESUS. I am driving myself entirely INSANE. I have always said it doesn't REALLY matter what undergraduate degree you come out with; not that I am phased by the "it's not who you know it's what you know" sentiment, but I DO believe that YOU put yourself out there, sell yourself to your would-be employer, no matter what the field, in a way that NO degree can provide you. BUT, in the sciences, it's different: you NEED a set of skills to prepare you for what you want to do for the rest of your life. And that set of skills in no way overlaps with the set of skills you get with a journalism degree. And that's killing me right now, because to be mile deep and a foot wide is required in the sciences, while maybe, in journalism, it's more important to be a foot deep and a mile wide. A WORLD of difference. And I'm lost in it all.

That said, I find solace in nothing but writing/ranting and reading these days. I think sometimes about the nature/nurture thing that we are learning in psych, and it makes me think of my sister and I: how she is SO much more mature than I am, socially; how she makes the social progress of a normal kid her age while I am truly baffled by the idea of relationships and gravitating towards people- as in I don't understand how she and everyone else makes it happen so normally, when I either struggle with it or don't bother struggling at all, which is happening right now. I sometimes wonder why I haven't turned back to my ED yet, honestly, although I really feel VERY distant from that place. Which is a good and bad thing, in my mind. I mean they say you usually are at the greatest risk of relapse, or "getting it" at all, when there is a major transition in your life and/or lack of identity-sense, which is certainly my case right now. I mean REALLY a lack of identity-sense. Shouldn't I be holding onto something, grappling for anything- putting thinness on a pedistal because it's ALL I have a hope of reaching these days? Yeah that sounds REALLY dumb, but that IS the way your brain functions with an ED: you hold on with a dire need to the security you get from being thin. Except I think at this point, I don't even have a desire for that- in fact I think the only thing keeping me from eating myself into a fat mess is the fact that I DO know what it's like to be thin now, just as I know what it's like to be overweight, and I SO dread going back to that old place, just because it would bring back so many terrible memories (not that being emmaciated doesn't though, come to think of it :/). It's a confusing prospect, but the choice is made because I am not, in fact, the one making it: you don't CHOSE to stop eating, it's the side effect of feelings. And right now, for whatever reason, my "feelings" are not prompting starvation, just... sadness, confusion, anxiety, etc.

So of course right now I am sitting in the Union, which I love but have noticed that I am in fact here more than the majority of these people, few of whom are regulars, which I WOULD be able to accurately observe because I am here all the time. But anyway, there was a poetry reading today here, by a visiting poet from Poland and one of my literature teachers, who is a Comp Lit post-doc here and his translator. It was cool, but it didn't stir me like I thought it would. But what does now-a-days? I am expecting a package in the mail from mom tomorrow because my birthday is in three days, which I am not very excited for because that means people will ask, "what did you do for your birthday?!" and I will have to say, "oh nothing- I actually have no friends who knew anything about it and I am always alone anyway." And the thing is I almost don't MIND the being alone thing, it's just that REALLY, there is no one- NO ONE else, and lets face it, sometimes you need someone else. And I'm NOT the kind of person who just hangs out with anyone; I mean I want SOMEONE else, not ANYONE else; there's a difference. I don't mind being alone- I like my independence- but when the weekend comes, when it's late at night and school's all done and I could be watching a movie, when I feel like having FUN, it'd be nice to actually HAVE at LEAST a second party.

So I am sitting in the vestibule of the physics building waiting for the rain to stop, because it's absoultely pouring. I just applied for a job at the library and I'm almost positive I got it :). Not really my first choice as far as employment goes- the physics library- but the library in my building never got back to me; I think they were pretty full. That would have been perfect, but oh well.

So that's good- that I finally have a job- and it will be nice because it's relatively quiet and the building/library is quite pretty/cozy. I also applied to the Union yesterday, so we'll see if they get back to me. I'd like to maybe hold two jobs, if I could, depending on what part of the Union I get assigned to- it's an enourmous building with lots of shops.

The rain is hardly letting up and I have a meeting across campus in 9 minutes. But I really don't think I will be going anywhere fast, and I'm not too worried about it. I was assigned the head of some committee for this group- the Committee on Multicultural Understanding- so that is good. Las year I was one of the only undergraduate members so I guess they decided to promote me this year. And I talked to the History and Philosophy of Science advisor about an Area Certificate, and he seems like he's willing to be REALLY flexible with my course choices, which is good. He told me that very few students even minor in it, so I think he was just satisfied that I expressed ANY interest at all. I certainly have a knack for finding the most obscure offerings possible, it seems. Welcome to my life- the journalism and public relations major working in the physics library who wants to concentrate in history and philosophy of science but is currently on the path to a second degree in comparative literature (and whose declared concentration as of last year was apparel merchandising).

I must have some kind of problem.

So I did in fact go the library last night and check out a book for no apparent reason. And I don't know WHY I do it, because it only means another book on my shelf that I feel like I should read, another THING to do. Ugh. To make matters worse, a comp lit student, who is in grad school, advised AGAINST going straight to grad school after undergrad. It's funny, because last year there was NO way I would have even considered grad school- what for? Why would I? It wasn't for ME. Then I spend one summer around people who were ALL educated at higher levels, mostly PhDs, and suddenly, I think, "oh, maybe I should do that too." I would LIKE to, but then I wouldn't like to; it depends what my area of study would be. I mean, I WAS after all working with high energy particle physicists who NEED to go to grad school to do what they do. But maybe it would be best to just travel right after I get out, and then get a job :). You can still be a contributive member to society, a productive intellectual with a good cause, an educated, well-informed individual without a PhD, right? Truth be told, I'm not sure.

But what HAS been made clear to me is that I am the ONLY student EVER in the journalism program here who wants to concentrate in history and philosophy of science :(. Unbelievable. Maybe it IS true, what I've been thinking all along: that I am a freakshow, with no aims, who is TRYNG to be accomplished and learned and is REALLY just getting nowhere, NOWHERE, and making no valid contribution to anything, self-fulfillment included. And it IS just insane when I think about it, to switch from comparative literature to history and philosophy of science. Only it's NOT, in my head, because I like both, and am passionate about both... but whatever. My advisor even advising joked that if I could do a split concentration in history and philosophy of science and comparative literature, IF "you could write up a convincing proposition for both departments that show you have an objective, which you probably can't." Ha. Ha. You're right- personal reasons aside, I have absoultely no reason to do that. I'm sick of thinking about it.

AND, as if I wasn't overthinking things enough already, I JUST went for coffee and saw last year's old flame/rediculous endeavor that I never had a chance at anyway. But we had this... "little thing," which was obvious to both of us for a while, and I get all nervous when I see him, but I don't still like him, which is good and bad, good because obviously I don't have to WORRY about him, bad because the only reason I don't have to worry about him is because we had a falling out which left me looking like an idiot in his eyes, when I was TRYING, at the time, to look like quite the opposite. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh UGH.

I just finished Feynman's "Surely You're Joking Mr. Feynman!" It was a great, easy read. Just a collection of short stories and anecdotes of his life and experiences, which were rediculously amazing and varied. He says in the last story: "What has been refered to as my curiosity has landed me in a difficulty where I found so much junk that I'm overwhelmed. I didn't realize how MUCH there was." He has this very colloquial way of speaking, almost juvenille, but certianly not lacking intelligence. But anyway, the sentiment that I quoted above hit me hard. Because this is happening to me so much lately, and it's very inspiring but it's completely draining. I just want to DISCOVER what's out there, and the problem is you can't just go "discovering what's out there" because it DOES get overwhelming. INSANELY overwhelming, to a frustrating degree. My mind is jumping EVERYWHERE. In french we are reading Jean Paul Sartre and Balzac and then I think, "wow, it would be cool to know EVERYTHING about this, and JUST this; it would be cool to know all about Sartre and Balzac, like beyond what most people know about them- that they are these two french philosophers- it would be amazing to know WHAT they thought, wrote, did, etc." And my mind just goes crazy on this stuff. And THEN I pick up a book by Feynman, who gives you enough to think about in and of himself, and the same thing happens: "Well Feynman was an interesting guy! And he worked in such an interersting field, physics, and I have always been pretty ignorant about science so maybe I should learn more, but I'm not good at math, so maybe cognitive science, which is about the brain, would be better for me, so I will explore that. And cognitive science deals with linguistics, and Noam Chomsky deals with lingustics, so I will read his stuff. And Fermilab's computing Center WAS named after Feynman, and I did JUST work there, so maybe I should figure out WHY they'd name a computing division after a phsyicist, and it turns out that computer science is an absoultely vital part of both physics AND cognitive science, because there are whole LANGUAGES made up to support these computer systems that do all these tasks in much the same way the human brain does certain tasks- through all these neural networking pathways- which maybe mimic language acquisition in humans, which I would love to know more about."

So those have been my thought patterns lately, only to THINK all that only takes about 3 seconds tops, so to have that going through your head most of the day- and it IS most of the day- is positively headache-inducing.

Today was pretty good though, I got up early, went to the union to do some work, and sat outside with the paper for a while because it is unseasonably warm- nearly 90 degrees here- and it's the end of September! But I think they are calling for storms soon, which is not so appealing, but at least the weather will cool down. AND my birthday is coming, which actually, now that I think about it, really isn't very exciting at all :0).

I also realized that I don't actually HAVE any friends here. Discouraging, but... not. I mean, it's like there is no one I know who I really really REALLY want to hang out with. I think it's just that my friends back home (all three of them) were so fun to be with, so compatable with me, knew me so well, that I have a hard time matching that here. Which kind of sucks; you'd think there'd be SOME people.

But whatever. I should get back to studying journalism, which I have obviously been thinking NOTHING about lately :0). But I am feeling more accomplished than usual, which is good, and which will change I'm sure tonight when I go to the physics library to return this Feynman book and then wander around in mindless intregue and chances are check out a book about microwaves in space. Or something like that.

For as much as my new-found love of this wonderful scientific world of reasoning and logic is motivating me, it also seems to be DISTRACTING me too. I can only think about how big the world is, where I should be in it, what I should be contributing, what I should be learning for myself, for my own sense of wisdom... Just... everything. Everything is so huge; I am going through a phase where I am overwhelemed by EVERYTHING, and when I say everything I mean NOTHING at all, by which I mean ALL OF IT... haha it's so bizarre. I am analytical by nature- sometimes TOO much so- and so I think that the philosophy of science/cognitive and brain science is something that I like because I get to think think think and problem solve. Some people detest that kind of stuff, and others love it and NEED it to a certain extent. I need it. But lately, I look at, say, a chair. Then I think, "well what's the biology behind that- how is it made; is it as functional as it COULD be? And WHY is it a chair- what makes us call it 'chair'- and does that even matter?" Yadda yadda, all this stuff, with everything. EVERYTHING I see. It's inexplicably rediculous.

But other than that, I was trying to do some homework in the Starbucks, until my mind wanders and eventually brings me to the recording of aimless thoughts. There was a football game today (apparently); campus was dead and now I see some people filtering through for coffee. I like that though, when I feel like the whole world is somewhere else and I have it all to myself. It's nice nice in some ways, to be all alone. I will say though that I have become a pretty hopeless reculse. In some ways I'm sure it's terrible for my development as a social animal, but I would rather be alone, it's safe to say, 99% of the time. When all is said and done I would RATHER do my homework than go to a party. I would RATHER read a book than go drink. Which in a way feels very good, because for as lonley as I feel sometimes there IS salvation in knowing that what you are engrossing yourself in- a book, an idea, LEARNING something- is beneficial and REWARDING. The WORST, though, is when you're done with all the GOOD stuff and then you have to buckle down for the hard stuff. French. It KILLS me that I love it so much but I am SO bad at it! Ugh, frustrating, yet... motivating: makes me want unlock whatever part of my brain that doesn't get it and make it work :).

So I have no classes today, but I got myself up at 7 am and headed to the bookstore for some things, and now I am of course sitting in the Union, getting ready to study. BUT, I have decided, I am pretty pretty certain that I KNOW what I want to do here, what I want to study. I will stick with journalism, but I have always known that I want to pursue philosophy of mind and cognitive science, so I will. I am going to do it. There is an area certificate here in "the culture and science of medicine"- 12 credit hours in 'history and philosophy of mind' classes and 12 credits in a track of my chosing, which I think will be primarily cognitive/computer/information sciences. So there :). It's FINALLY settled, AND it satisfies ALL my desires :). I can't believe I didn't even know it was AVAILABLE to me; it's perfect for science communication and I didn't even know they offered it here. We have some amazing professors in cognitive science and philosophy of mind, including Doug Hofstadter and Colin Allen, both of whom it would be amazing to have as professors and I hope I do. Colin Allen is teaching a lot of the "philisophical foundations of cog sci" class which I took last year; the instructor was great but visiting from Mainz in Germany I think.

Anyway the mere THOUGHT of submersing myself in all this- this exploration of the mind, this exploration of science, of communication, of consiousness and emotion and language and syntax and systems- all of it- it just SO amazing, I get the chills. It makes me EXCITED to pick classes, knowing what I want to do. I honestly thought this day would never come, or this revelation anyway. But it has, and I'm psyched :).

So comparative literature, which is obviously another of my passions, and definitely something I DON'T want to drop, will be my minor. To major in it is a.) a heavy courseload and b.) not entirely functional; if you go to grad school (which is pretty pricey) for comp lit, your job option is to be a professor at a university, and I don't know for sure I want to do that. So I will minor in it. For now. Hopefully sometime today I wil ldrop into the journalism school and meet with an advisor so we can talk things over.

That's all- I'm going to take off and get some stuff done. But I just had to convey the feeling. This is amazing. I'm so glad I at least have a path now.

Except that I'm so sad sad SAD lately. I just feel lost and empty. I have a French test tomorrow and I just keep thinking about it, it makes me more anxious than it should, to the point where I cannot even sleep at night; and a poem to rehearse in my travel lit class tomorrow, which I have not even memorized. I am going through a stage where everytime I look in the mirror I feel hideous, to the point of not wanting to leave my room. Today I had a 9:30 class- I didn't fall asleep until 4:30 in the morning, not for lack of trying (I even took my sleeping pills), woke up around 8:30, went to class until 12:30, and came home and wasted the WHOLE day napping, until 6:30. I was so tired though, I needed to sleep. Then I get up and I come here, the same place I always come, and I've only been awake three hours and already all I can look forward to is going back to bed even though I probably won't be able to sleep now. It's terrible. I cannot let this French sink into my brain; I am so anxious, I just keep looking around at all the people and thinking how great it must be to have friends and good company. I feel like I've truly fallen apart in a lot of ways. It would make me cry, I'm sure, if I wasn't so empty.

So I know recently I have been OK being alone and all, and I have, for the most part, but it's just that sometimes it comes over me more often than other times. Right now, for instance, as I sit here at 3:20 am in a Starbucks in town, with but four other people here, I feel it- aloneness- obviously. The time just passes slowly, my days and nights are mixed up... and I don't think I would mind it so much IF I was being productive and effective, doing schoolwork with success, maintaining relationships with other people. Which I am not doing so much; for the most part I'm keeping to myself. I miss him SO much it's dusgusting. I'm like a sick puppy, wanting something I never even had. It feels terrible; all I can think when I see other people together, all I can think when I'm with other people, is "this would be so much better if I was in his company, if we were together, if I was talking to him, sitting with him." It's terrible. I miss him a lot, I miss summer, I miss productivity, I miss fun and being around people whose company I loved. It's terrible. I don't know what I want, I don't know where to go. The weather is cold, nothing is satisfying. I am getting nowhere fast. I never feel productive, I usually feel sad; I'm trying to fill up time but it isn't working. I have been sitting here since midnight working on French, and it SEEMS like I've been here a million years but I haven't. I feel like time is dragging on and on but I somehow never seem to have enough. I am watching drunk people stumble by the windows, I am watching the mailman deliver the New York Times; watching the girl at Starbucks mop the floor, watching a disheveled customer who always comes in here before the crack of dawn get his third or fourth coffee refill. I have chewed through a pack of gum. I am hungry but I don't want to eat. I am rambling because I don't know what else to do.

I wish I could turn back time 2 months, to when I was really happy, or 2 years, when I was really sad. Right now I just feel like I'm floating in space, unsure of pretty much everything. I'm not sure where I'm going, not sure where I am. I feel like pulling out, going home... maybe starting again; I feel like a new town and a new place although I know it won't make me any happier. I just can't seem to get it right, I just can't seem to figure anything out. I don't know where I'm going and what I want to do, I don't know how I want to feel and I don't know how I DO feel. Everything is surreal. I'm hungry. I'm too full to eat. Nothing makes me feel any better although I am taking my medicine everyday. I'm lost lost lost. I miss the way things were although I can't even really remember much... I feel like I need a break- to go home, to take time off- yet I feel like I can't afford to waste any time. I'll be in college forever it seems, seeing as how I have no path, no direction, no idea where to go, what classes to take. Why am I sitting here? When will I walk home? And more importantly, WHY? Why am I doing ANY of this? I can't stand it. What's it turning into? What am I turning into? Where are all the people on earth who I want to be around? ARE there any people on earth who I want to be around? I wish I knew; maybe they're not out there at all.

I am recently surprised at how OK I am being alone lately. Today I got up around noon, after a decent night's sleep, all things considered. It's Friday, and I am in the Union; nothing's open, there are only three other people here. But I feel FINE about it, which is weird, but NICE. So nice. Sometimes I think I should maybe try to find some people to talk to, but then I'm like, why bother? I like being alone, it's NICE, and I am open to socializing when the situation is right. But the thing is, right now, I am just fine. Just fine.

There's not much else to tell. Sometimes I wonder if I REALLY want to be a journalist for a living. Maybe I just like WRITING a lot and am convincing myself that the only route I can continue writing on is journalism? Maybe I only like journalism because I think it implies practicality when all I like doing is writing? I don't know. Everytime I am in a creative writing or English class, I come highly recommended, and I don't want that to sound pompous, but it is true. I remember in middle school being "that one kid" that all the teachers looked forward to having in English class, that one kid who got to pick where she wanted to go because she had enough potential. That one kid who got assigned different things without the other kids knowing. Now here in my Travel Literature class my teacher has told me that she looks forward to working with me because she thinks I have a good "creative base" already. And I like that, the recognition that I might be particularly good at something. That I show potential, that I surpass. I think I would be foolish not to run with it- be a journalist, be a writer- but then I think of all the other things I love and am interested in; it would be a leap of faith, sure, but not necessarily a bad idea, to try those things. I did really well in cognitive science, AND I got to write papers in that course too, so it was a win-win. Maybe I should.

Other than that, I really don't have much else to tell. I have just been thinking lately, about what direction I want to move in, about where I want to specialize. I know I have a good thing going with journalism, I know I am at a premier institution for it, and I don't take it lightly. But I do wonder, knowing that I am not a selectively passionate person, if I might be locking myself into something that doesn't let my curiosity grow.

I haven't had a decent night's sleep since I have been here. Last night was no exception; I didn't really fall asleep until about 5:3o in the morning, and consequently ignored my alarm multiple times when it went off at 8:15. So I missed psych, which is fine because that class is too slow anyway and I already know the difference between psychologists and psychiatrists, which is the most intense thing we've learned so far. Unfortunately. And I missed French, which is not so good, because we are reading French literature, in French, obviously, and I can't afford to be missing that. But I did go to my Travel Literature class, and I stayed to talk to my teacher, who is a grad student earning a PhD in comparative literature here. So I asked her what her work is like, how she likes it, and we talked about pursuing it in grad school. As far as utility goes she said it was exactly how I thought it was: don't invest time, money and effort into a doctorate in comparative literature unless you want to teach. Plain and simple- they all become professors. I think, especially after spending my summer at Fermi, that I would enjoy that lifestyle. Constantly being surrounded by academia isn't such a bad thing, actually, and you can make a very decent living- traveling, learning, traveling, learning- if you do it right. Apparently though you need to be pretty much bilingual, because comparative literature is, obviously, comparative and unless you minor in comparative arts (which is not necessarily literary-based) you pretty much need to be fluent enough to handle texts in the original language. And I have been taking French too long to be as bad at it as I am now (I would NOT call myself fluent in a million years), and I don't assume I'll be getting considerably better at it.

But Comp Lit still interests me, so I'll consider it. Although I really love cognitive science and psychology, and the thing about that is that you can actually do hands-on, applicable, RESEARCH, which needless to say satisfies a need that literary theory cannot fulfill. And I like the idea of learning and researching in an environment where you get to formulate and postilate and so on. It's very stimulating, the idea of perpetual and applicable learning. The physicists have it right- they can at least be assured that, by practicing a physical life science, they have hands-on WORK to do. They have things to discover that exist in a physical, biological world. Comparative literature doesn't really yield useful societal applications; none that the government would fund, anyway.

But I don't know. I'm reading Feynman's "Surely You're Joking" right now, and he said that teaching was just something he could NEVER have done without. Which I think is so valid, because, as he said, when you FEEL as though YOU personally have no new ideas, when you're in a slump, when the creativity just isn't flowing, you AT LEAST have the knowledge to revisit and to transcribe for other people. Which IS fulfilling, even when you're stuck. You KNOW you know, adn it's reaffirming to pass that knowledge along to other people- that never leaves you, that capability, even when nothing new is flowing. I guess that's really true, that teaching- conveying, guiding- is a great way to prevent intellectual stagnation. Even if you're stuck NOW, someone else can benefit from what you know from a time a while ago when you were not. Sounds good.

There was an article in Vogue last month about a Harvard physicist. They profiled women in various fields and of various ages and did a special feature. So I emailed her, this phyisict. I hope she gets back to me. Maybe that's what I liked about Fermi- that you are at least in this atmosphere of learning and academia, even if you're not scientifically contributing. So really I DON'T know, if I NEED to be actively engaged in a state of perpetual learning to feel good about what I am doing. No doubt being a writer will do that to you, but so will being a researcher, and at least being a researcher yields RESULTS, that you can SEE. So basically, I really just don't know. Basically.

It's starting to feel like fall outside, which is wonderful. It's a bit humid today though. My hair is a curly mess. I am in the Union, but will probably be leaving soon as this rediculous music is a bit too much.

Things are good today, despite it all.

Sometimes the feeling of loneliness that comes over me is so exclusive, like the sadness that I must be on the Prozac for. The stomach dropping, I wish I could cry but I can't, God erase me now sadness. And then sometimes it's that all-inclusive, humanistic, almost beautiful sadness, the kind that everyone has and everyone knows at one point or another. But that's no consolation. There is no one here I want to hang out with, like REALLY want to see. Tonight I was out with some people, just to see a friend's new appartment and meet his roommates, and then we all hung out- four of us- and we ALL complained about the EXACT same things. I am starting to learn that we all really DO feel the same, no matter what we think; we always tend to think we are the saddest, or that we are feeling this certian KIND of sadness that no one can relate to, which is far from true. It's all the same for everyone really. It really really is, and I think the more I learn about that and accept it, the easier it is to deal with it. Which is NICE, and reaffirming, but that doesn't change the fact that it still HURTS when it's happening.

And lately I just feel like nothing is WORKING, whatever that might mean. You can change your major all you like, you can move locations; you can over eat, under eat; shop, read more, read lighter or heavier... it's all the same thing. You'll always chase something else within a certain, usually not very long at all, period of time. The difference is that some people verbalize it- some people whine and complain and seem all depressive, asking "what can I do to change this? How can I feel better? What magical pill can I take to feel better?" And the thing is, we ALL feel like this sometimes, it's just that the ones of us who keep quiet about it don't seem to be experiencing, when in reality that's not true. Tonight I was out with a friend of mine doing just this- complaining, asking "what can I do? When will this change?" and the thing is, I am internalising all the same questions, but you come to realize that asking them TO OTHER PEOPLE does no good. To think about them, to work through them internally, that's necessary- to overdwell on them is certainly not- but to think it out for yourself, and realize that there IS nothing anyone else can say to help you, that's healthy. Still painful, but it really is EVERYONE'S pain.

Whatever. I am talking to my friend online, which I do too often lately and unfortunately place too much importance and personal satisfaction in. Why is it so fulfilling to complain about life to someone else, and have them listen and agree? I don't know, but it's ok for now.

How could it even be possible to feel this alone? I mean I am literally sitting here and if I looked a million miles in every direction there is physically NO ONE. And even if there was I would STILL feel like I was the only one. Granted I have chosen to put myself in this position, coming to the student union, on a football game Saturday. Usually there is at LEAST one other person SOMEWHERE within eyeshot. Not now, not today.

I am so restless. I've already been to town and back and I've only been awake since noon. I read a lot, I get a lot done, but it still seems in vain. It still seems like I don't belong here. And as stupid stupid STUPID as this sounds, I miss everyone from this summer. The... scientists :). Physicists, professors, academic beings that they all were. I loved it. I loved working 9-5, then watching TV with them, hanging out, talking, riding our bikes until 3 am around a laboratory. It was the most random summer ever; I experienced something that very few people ever will, and I'm really sad it's all done with. I miss playing soccer with them. I miss being the center if attention, quite frankly. I miss it all. I miss HIM too. It's funny how your environment changes everything. When we were there we spent a lot of time together, maybe only because that's all there was TO do. But either way, we DID, and I miss that. Either way, I have no real friends here, and I'm pretty good with being alone, but it only makes me OVERTHINK sometimes. Last night I was at a house party, and really, I was over it pretty fast. I liked our lab parties, where they were small and intimate, and the conversation was amazing and hilarious and the people are of VARIOUS age groups and they're smart, witty, funny. Partying with PhD students, university professors, spokespeople for international experiements... I guess that was more my speed :). It was more FUN. It was more where I belonged. There are a multitude of great things about IU that fit me well, but the thing is, it's really not intimate like I like. It really doesn't attract people entirely like myself. And I really haven't met anyone here who I would enjoy spending valuable time with. It's funny how you can go to a place, like at the lab, and in that span of 10 weeks meet a few people who you LIKE spending many many hours at a time with. But I've been at this school over 10 months and I STILL don't know anyone like that. If the people I met at the lab were here, I'd LIKE hanging out with them. I LIKED those people, a lot. We did things together, spent time, got to know each other. And although I think our environment PROMPTED us to get to know each other, there was an actual COMPATABILITY that was there, really WAS. I just miss it. I just don't know.

I think I am chemically addicted to Frappucinos. I've been here a week and have probably had about 3 a day... OK maybe 2... but definitely some days 3. Sometimes I wonder if I've made all the right decisions with my life so far- where I'm going to school, what I'm experiencing, how I'm living. Where I'm going. Sometimes I just want to turn time backwards and go really slowly; rethink everything and change some things. Maybe a small college, one where I fit in, one where I could play soccer at maybe; a Division II or III school. Have a niche. Do something here. I was down today. Not feeling very good. I have been taking my medicine, and I think it's been helping a great deal. Or it did initially. I am not reading very likeable literature in my new Comp Lit class. It's a textbook-ish essay-ish thing on the Western perception of China, which, in the most non-ignorant context, doesn't interest me one bit. I'm gradually getting better and better at being alone. Which feels good. I think it would be great to study philosophy or metaphysics, that way I could learn all about thought and theories about our minds and brains. I like psychology because it seems to be introducing these topics. That's why I liked cognitive science too. I think I might minor in that. Journalism major, comparative literature major, psychology minor, cognitive science minor. What a mindless route I'm headed down.

I moved around so much today. From one coffee shop to the next, only reading 20 pages, imagining I was successful and envisioning accomplishment via a traceable route. Never happened. Will I ever get there? Where? Who knows, just THERE. I wonder if I'm waiting for it to stop or to start. I have to write this poem. I'm lost for words and anything valuable to say. I'm so nervous. French 300 is giving me the sense that math class used to give me: "no no, get me out of here... I dread it... the clock is not moving I swear." Hate that feeling. I wish I was naturally good at language learning. Would be nice.

Well well well. I am back to this old thing. I hate that I have a diary in too many different places. I once thought about keeping a word document as a diary but that just seemed pointless, not that the point of a diary is to post it to the web so anyone can read it :). Whatever. So summer came and went, faster than any summer I've experienced before. I am back at school and it's okay. Better than I thought it would be. There were two weeks between my internship and coming back here, and those two weeks were low. The internship was a high- I met amazing people and did amazing things. Some good, some bad; some right, some wrong. But it was a HUGE learning experience and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Then there was him, a guy I met who I should have been more cautious with because now, looking back, I see that I miss him. A lot. And we really don't talk anymore, which I am REALLY quite sad about, because we used to everyday when we were there together. He goes to school out east. Summer love is really fun, yeah, but I really did not expect to MISS his company now that I am back with my own. It's weird. I liked him a lot, and I miss him.

But back here, things are okay. I wish we had a girl's club soccer team because I'd love to get back into that. I played a lot this summer, and it reminded me of BETTER times. I think I forgot how much I loved it, really loved it; one of the few things I consistently but my heart and soul into. And lately I've needed things to put my heart and soul into.

I just read a book called "You Can be Happy No Matter What" by Richard Carlson. My mom has told me to read it forever but I never did because I assumed (wrongly) that it was Christian garble. But it wasn't- psychology actually, and very interesting. A lot about thought harnessing, which is cool. It came at a good time. I can honestly see a lot of change in myself after reading it, along with the change of being back at school and coming off that internship/accomplishment high. I think I really AM beginning to harness my thoughts, and I just FEEL healthier, happier, which is so good. Little things- I can listen to "sad" songs without being sad, I can be alone without feeling lonely, I can watch people socialize without me and not take it personally. It's really all about thinking differently. If you accept that reality is only in YOUR head- not your environment, or your peers'- then life just becomes... different I guess. I have only gotten my feet wet, but it seems to be a valid idea, that this could be the case. A change in thinking, sometimes, is what we need. I must admit: I think I knew it all along, but I get scared I guess.

Anyway, I have my first psych class tomorrow. Should be interesting- I might want to minor in it. Cognitive science would also be a great minor. I want to pursue Comparative Literature except it is INCREDIBLY demanding as a major- basically it allows little to no room for other classes. Journalism major with Cog Sci and Comp Lit minor- now THAT would be perfect :). My Comp Lit class for this semester WAS supposed to be a senior seminar, but it was cancelled because there were not enough students enrolled. They only let us know not even a day before it was supposed to meet! I'm PISSED about it too; it was my Monday morning first, the teacher was amazing (had him last semester; hilarious AND an AMAZING teacher), and there were SEVEN required texts- tons of reading. I had to switch to some 300-level Chinese/Western Lit Relations class- one book only :(- not even up my ally but might be okay. In French we're reading "The Stranger" and something by Sartre- in French, of course :). That will be cool.

I hope to get a job at the library here, when it opens. This dorm is amazing. I have yet to socialize with the people like I should be doing, but I don't know- I feel like it will come in time, and that there is no need to rush. Which is a nice feeling, because ordinarily I would feel a TON of social anxiety seeing everyone else being friends and me just looking from the outside in. But I am waiting, I am being open to meeting new people. It's a very ecclectic mix here- I almost feel like I'm at a different school! We really are our own little community; when I become a more noticeable part of that community, I think I'll feel really good.

Not much else. I hope I am finally getting my act together this semester, consistently, for the first time in my life. I want, NEED actually, my scholarship back. I can't believe I blew it- irresponsible. And I need a job, so I can put the money towards 1.) school and 2.) a trip to New York with my aunt and sister this summer. Would be nice; I hope the library opens up soon.
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I'm so weird. Life is so weird. If only it were easy to be the little lolita everywhere you go SANS the sex. But I guess that's the point.

Didn't take long. Or maybe it did. Men have carnal needs yes? So do women though I guess. But just like it's more obvious in, say, the Navy- when they bring in a woman and men go insane just because they have not seen one in months, years, whatever- it is the same at a laboratory surely. The fact that I am 5'4 and either lankier or altogether taller than most of the men here; the fact that I have single handedly managed to re-introduce the high heeled shoe (and by "high" I mean 2 inches) back into physics; the fact that most of them are none too great at chatting in the first place and I give them the time of day because there's no one I DON'T give the time of day... perhaps this is what makes me special. I walked out of the movie we were watching with the graduate students last night, into town with a married 26 year old who I respect a great great deal- still now, on the morning after. We got so personal anyway before, and one thing lead to another. Sex and love, sex adn friendship, sex and happiness; all mutually exclusive. One never implies the other. One never depends on the other. You can never count on either. It is good that I do not have the proverbial "crush," good that he could leave and not come back and all I would miss is a friend. But he was caring, and stayed the night; said thank you for things, you know what things; cannot get enough of peoples'- mine in particular- personalities. It is funny how men are all wired the same: 19 year old frat boys, 30 year old PhD students in nuclear physicists... all the same. Only certain individuals can be different.

Sex can be disconnected from all other things. But I wonder if we can pull that off in front of the small community that are these people, and I wonder if that rule still applies when the male party has his first child due next month with his wife of four years.