Something(s).

So it turns out I got the job at the library. And it's work study, which is good- that means the money goes to my tuition if I so chose, which I certainly did. The only problem is that I gave up my only free day- Friday- for an 8 AM start time :/. Which sucks. But then again, it will be a good way to assure that I don't waste the day. Not that I ever do- I have so far dedicated all of my Friday's to studying/reading/homeworking, because I have nothing else to do. Although now I will be working 8-12, and going to Committee on Multicultural Understanding meetings from 1-3:30, so that actually gives me a pretty full day.

When I am not physically attending class, work, schoolwork, or club meetings, (and usually even when I AM), my every waking moment is spent thinking about whether I want to be, more-or-less, a writer or a scientist. I think my brain might actually be decaying. Or something. It's definitely overthinking and it's not getting ANYWHERE but nowhere. I just do not not NOT know. What if I chose wrong? What if I get out of here with a journalism degree and decide, "huh, I wish I was working with the brain, I wish I was working on cognitive models, I wish I was at a university teaching and doing research. But I'm not, I'm freelance writing or working for some PR firm, doing superficial work that's not contributing much at all to society at a job that only required 4 years of school to obtain because that's all the brains it takes- not much." But what if I major in, say psychology with a certificate in cognitive psych and then I say, "man, I miss writing, I miss living the life of a journalist, where I can move around and learn new things all the time and dive into different worlds, interview different people, discover SO much about the world and the people in it and expose others to it all. But instead I am stuck in this lab, at this university, and in a tiny cramped office dedicated entirely to my research and live a life completely void of anything even mildly attractive or artistically stimulating." JESUS. I am driving myself entirely INSANE. I have always said it doesn't REALLY matter what undergraduate degree you come out with; not that I am phased by the "it's not who you know it's what you know" sentiment, but I DO believe that YOU put yourself out there, sell yourself to your would-be employer, no matter what the field, in a way that NO degree can provide you. BUT, in the sciences, it's different: you NEED a set of skills to prepare you for what you want to do for the rest of your life. And that set of skills in no way overlaps with the set of skills you get with a journalism degree. And that's killing me right now, because to be mile deep and a foot wide is required in the sciences, while maybe, in journalism, it's more important to be a foot deep and a mile wide. A WORLD of difference. And I'm lost in it all.

That said, I find solace in nothing but writing/ranting and reading these days. I think sometimes about the nature/nurture thing that we are learning in psych, and it makes me think of my sister and I: how she is SO much more mature than I am, socially; how she makes the social progress of a normal kid her age while I am truly baffled by the idea of relationships and gravitating towards people- as in I don't understand how she and everyone else makes it happen so normally, when I either struggle with it or don't bother struggling at all, which is happening right now. I sometimes wonder why I haven't turned back to my ED yet, honestly, although I really feel VERY distant from that place. Which is a good and bad thing, in my mind. I mean they say you usually are at the greatest risk of relapse, or "getting it" at all, when there is a major transition in your life and/or lack of identity-sense, which is certainly my case right now. I mean REALLY a lack of identity-sense. Shouldn't I be holding onto something, grappling for anything- putting thinness on a pedistal because it's ALL I have a hope of reaching these days? Yeah that sounds REALLY dumb, but that IS the way your brain functions with an ED: you hold on with a dire need to the security you get from being thin. Except I think at this point, I don't even have a desire for that- in fact I think the only thing keeping me from eating myself into a fat mess is the fact that I DO know what it's like to be thin now, just as I know what it's like to be overweight, and I SO dread going back to that old place, just because it would bring back so many terrible memories (not that being emmaciated doesn't though, come to think of it :/). It's a confusing prospect, but the choice is made because I am not, in fact, the one making it: you don't CHOSE to stop eating, it's the side effect of feelings. And right now, for whatever reason, my "feelings" are not prompting starvation, just... sadness, confusion, anxiety, etc.

So of course right now I am sitting in the Union, which I love but have noticed that I am in fact here more than the majority of these people, few of whom are regulars, which I WOULD be able to accurately observe because I am here all the time. But anyway, there was a poetry reading today here, by a visiting poet from Poland and one of my literature teachers, who is a Comp Lit post-doc here and his translator. It was cool, but it didn't stir me like I thought it would. But what does now-a-days? I am expecting a package in the mail from mom tomorrow because my birthday is in three days, which I am not very excited for because that means people will ask, "what did you do for your birthday?!" and I will have to say, "oh nothing- I actually have no friends who knew anything about it and I am always alone anyway." And the thing is I almost don't MIND the being alone thing, it's just that REALLY, there is no one- NO ONE else, and lets face it, sometimes you need someone else. And I'm NOT the kind of person who just hangs out with anyone; I mean I want SOMEONE else, not ANYONE else; there's a difference. I don't mind being alone- I like my independence- but when the weekend comes, when it's late at night and school's all done and I could be watching a movie, when I feel like having FUN, it'd be nice to actually HAVE at LEAST a second party.